there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize