Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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