This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
smell my finger.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
