I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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