you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
