That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
