You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
