Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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