made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
