why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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