Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
