he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
