Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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