You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Randomize
