Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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