the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
