omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
