She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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