Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
