So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
