tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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