fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
