This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
