bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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