I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
