I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
