I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
