im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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