my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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