You just made me feel so damn special
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
