I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
