I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
