im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
