I wish I could punch you in the face.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
