Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
