Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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