that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
