remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
