'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
