He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
