I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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