if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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