seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
