I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
