I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
