that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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