Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
