I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
