I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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