can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
