if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?