I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
