I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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