I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
