I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
