I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
