Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
