I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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