I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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