ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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