Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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