I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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