no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
