I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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