Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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