alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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