Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
