lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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