Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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